Falling Away from Me
"I can change. I
can live out my imagination instead of my memory. I can tie myself to my
limitless potential instead of my limiting past."
- Stephen Covey
Yes, this is
referring to a Korn song, but the message interpreted is for us to let the ties
that bind us to negativity and to our egos go so we can know our own self worth
and work towards actualizing it. If we can let these weights holding us back
fall away then we can learn to get the best life this time around, no matter
how far into our lives we may have come thus far. Through determination,
discipline and method, anyone can pick themselves up from a personal fall to
regain their intended direction and/or destination in life. We all begin this
lifetime with hopes, dreams and aspirations as children, but some of us have it
stripped away early. Others have it beaten out of them over years of struggle,
strife, and defeats. This leads to our
“acomodador,” as Paulo Coelho describes in his book, The Zahir.
In The Zahir, Coelho quotes from a book
called Magical Practices in Northern
Mexico which describes the concept:
“The
acomodador or giving-up point: there is always an event in our lives that is
responsible for us failing to progress: a trauma, a particularly bitter defeat,
a disappointment in love, even a victory that we did not quite understand, can
make cowards of us and prevent us from moving on. As part of the process of
increasing his hidden up powers, the shaman must first free himself from that
giving-up point and, to do so, he must review his whole life and find out where
it occurred.”
We all share this
common history of falls, but what distinguishes the simple to the great are not
only the way we internalize it, but the way we rise after a fall. Do we let our
defeats master us or do we seek to master our defeats? As I stated in the first
chapter, falling is an art, but only if it is used in such a way as to grow and
learn. Adversity helps us to blossom if we can see it in that way. Everyone
acknowledges Edison as a genius because he found the tungsten to use for the
light bulb filament, yet not all realize how many thousands of falls he
suffered to find it. All of the greatest inventors and explorers were willing
to suffer complete and utter failure to reach their dream and this can be the
same for you. It can start right now if
you are ready to take the steps to see that pile of horse manure you just
stepped in as fuel for your renewable engine to make the best our of
difficulties in your life. We must all work hard to overcome our past, whether
we walked into an inheritance of outrageous proportions or complete
destitution.
To truly fall
away from ourselves we must first identify how far we have fallen from our
initial life mission. How far have we distanced ourselves from that which we
value as our deepest goal in life? Have we even ever identified such a goal?
This would be a great place to start. Remember your childhood and those
innocent moments, the very few some of us even get, and return yourself to that
first spark of who you aspired to be. Call into memory this first feeling of
wonder, the intrigue of what it would be life to be in your dream job or life
experience or situation. I recall wanting to be a fireman, then a
paleontologist, then an artist, a teacher, and later, as a teen, a writer. What
or who inspired you to that position or experience as being your ideal? What
made you want to live your life around that profession or belief? Is it still
in your psyche as a life accomplishment to be worked for? When you think of
those former goals do you still feel that fervor of passion you first felt?
So what happened?
Can you recall your own “acomodador?” What was it? Is there any spark of hope
to regain it? Did you reframe your goals and aspirations, and if so, are you
whole-heartedly content with them now? These are questions we must all review
deep down before we start removing the blocks to the path. An arrow without a
target will always miss. Can you identify a large life goal to strive to free
yourself up to achieve? Draw something into your mind and let’s continue. If
not a major life goal, what about a smaller one to start with, for those
endless life journeys all start with a simple step. If you have one, good, if
not, continue anyway and one may arise as the more blockages we let fall away
from ourselves create space in our spirit to rediscover itself.
What is the ego
and why can it be such a terribly limiting obstacle in our lives? From my
learning and life experience, the ego is our mask we put on to handle our
day-to-day interactions with the larger world. It’s the façade we hide behind
when things get difficult and we really want to cry or when we are
over-emphasizing our perceived “greatness” whether warranted or not. It is the
part of us that stares our fears in the face with a plastic smile, while our
true self cowers behind it. As children, some of us develop it earlier than
others depending on our life circumstances, but we all make one. It protects us
from further psychological damage, almost becoming an “acomodador” of sorts as
it is our giving-up point to preserve our delicate emotional and spiritual
well-being. But the bigger reality here is that it is robbing us of an ability
to fully experience our emotions and feelings, releasing us from hurt. Like a
shield keeps us safe, the ego is our wall.
Sounds like a
good thing until we rationalize not only why we need a wall from the world but
also what affect this has on us. These coping methods for life damage many
relationships, not only with others, but with ourselves. It makes us suppress
and depreciate our emotions, wants and needs in order to push a false agenda to
keep up our appearance of being in control of our surroundings. Often this
encourages a fall as hubris almost always does. Pride isn’t always negative
though, as it can actualize our self esteem, but it can destroy us if we lose
sight of any esteem we might have had before it. When it becomes our only
method of handling stressors and the outside world, a hollow shell of our true
being permeates. This deep unquenchable feeling of empty that we fill with
material objects is a lack of connection with our ego-free self. We attempt to
fill this hole in our being with distractions and instant gratification to
avoid the pain of experiencing these spiritual and emotional states we are
unprepared for from all of our social programming from family all the way up
through the media in society at large.
Covey describes
this concept when talking about leadership development and how all things are
created twice in 7 habits by stating,
“We reactively
live the scripts handed to us by family, associates, other people’s agendas,
the pressures and circumstances- scripts from our earlier years, from our
training, our conditioning.
These scripts come from people, not principles. And they rise out of our
deep vulnerabilities, our deep dependency on others and our needs for
acceptance and love, for belonging, for a sense of importance and worth, for a
feeling that we matter.
Whether we are aware of it or not, whether we are in control of it or
not, there is a first creation to every part of our lives. We are either the
second creation of our own proactive design, or we are the second creation of
other people’s agendas, of circumstances, or of past habits.”
Now that we have
an idea what the ego is, let’s see how we can dismantle it. Or rather, let’s see how we can dismantle its
hold on our waking state consciousness that it has. By identifying the aspects
of ourselves which damage our feelings and those of others we can draw upon
those features we need to dispel. To quote Bill W. from A.A., we need to “make
a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” Creating lists of
deficits, defects and damaging qualities can help see where we are unleashing
the defenses of our walls on others. This list should identify where we exclude
others as well as where we are blind to others feelings or neglect to
acknowledge and own our own emotions.
If you are unsure of whether a behavior
qualifies as an egoic attribute or not, make a pro and con list for it. Does
anyone get offended, put out or emotionally hurt, whether intentional or not as
a result of expressing this quality? If yes, then it definitely is one. Even if
you feel that the people seem upset unjustly or that you feel that they are
misinterpreting your message, it qualifies.
Think about it, how we are interpreted is vital in our intended meaning
or ideas and if the person we are speaking to becomes hurt or offended, then
there is an emotion being received that very well may not be something we can
even detect.
Gerald Jampolsky
really hits this idea home in Love is
Letting Go of Fear when he talks about it like this…
“Our true self
does not create pain or strife. It has no need to judge or belittle. It is not
afraid to show concern, express fears, or to show the full extent of its
emotions. It loves unconditionally. Does this seem completely attainable? Yogis
and mystics describe the ego-less state as being enlightened, which is the
highest state of being. Now they say few people may reach this pure
unencumbered state every generation, but we can work to achieve as close of a
state as possible. Any way we can release parts of the ego state, the more
clear and joyful our life will be. Life is a constant process of growth and we
are changing and adapting to all of the events of our lives, good or bad, so
working to free ourselves of the negative armor will only free our spirit and
open our possibilities so we can pursue the goals of what we truly aspire to
be.”
“Do not look back in anger, or
forward in fear, but around in awareness.”
-James Thurber
Once we get a
decent handle on our own personal walls to the world, we can begin our personal
awareness of how they play out and control our interactions. The first and most
important piece of this change is awareness, which simply means being conscious
of ourselves to identify when we are displaying these negative behaviors. This
can only work if we are able to discipline ourselves to check in before
reacting to life’s difficulties and answering these basic questions:
- Am I speaking from a place of love?
- How will this statement/action affect others involved?
- Are the emotions I am expressing my real feelings or am I withholding some?
- Are my statements/actions to control or manipulate someone?
These questions
will help you regain awareness of who is speaking, you or your ego. They will
draw you back to being present with your motives and true feelings. This is not
to say that you can’t be upset or angry. Anger is a valid emotion and it is
understandable to feel angry. The emotion of anger or feeling hurt are still
coming from a place of love no matter how painful they are. It is merely the
fear of a loss of love which causes this imbalance in our emotional state. It
is what we do when we are embroiled in those feelings that matters. Do we go into
our ego-controlled, pre-conditioned methods of reacting thereby causing even
more damage and hurt or do we become cognizant of whomever or whatever we are
reacting to and earnestly show love to them? This can be explaining our hurt
and anger without blame or judgement, which may first require some space from a
situation so that we can first reflect on it in a slightly objective way.
Something as difficult as this will take practice to be able to do and a
determination to stay with it and to stay conscious when communicating.
Developing this
practice into habit will take some time as they say it takes twenty one days of
continuously practicing something to make it into a regular part of our
patterns of activity. This begins with our willingness to achieve a change and
doesn’t stop because we use our strength of perserverance because we know that
we are important and that our goals are worth fighting for. Take a second to
think of some bad habits you might have for they can be learned from. Did they
take large efforts and determination to establish? No, of course not. These
ones came in because we didn’t know better or have the diligence we are
striving for now. So let us use those cues to attach this new self monitoring
habit to ourselves. Try and make it fun. Create a game with yourself about it.
You can even make an “ego jar” which would in essence be similar to a “swear
jar.” Whenever you catch yourself reverting back to reacting or acting from the
ego, put a dollar in it. This way you could keep a tally of yourself being in a
state of awareness. It would also play out to be a good reward when we get to
what we consider the end of the journey and we can reap the reward of all of
the “ego money” we have saved up and do something fun with it. The more often and
the closer we pay attention to the task, the easier and more rote it will
become and then a self-checking habit will be formed which can last a lifetime.
Living your truth
would top off stepping away from our ego trips to forge our journeys to our
true selves. Now that we are engaging in the process of letting our egos fall
away from our minds, we can reaffirm our truth which we gave a quick glimpse at
in the beginning of the chapter. Those visions of who we truly want to be can
help us unlock questions that can lead us to claim who we truly are. Being able
to view your situation without the throws of the ego, fears, worries, walls,
you will be able to see the why’s to your aspirations more clearly and it
should help to reclaim who you know yourself to be deep within regardless of
what the ego mind thinks it knows. It will help you develop more steadfast self
confidence because you know this is for and from your highest good and that
will most assuredly ease the consciousness.
This will also
build self esteem which works in tandem with confidence, helping you to know
your real worth you may have been afraid to claim or acknowledge. With these
foundations building you will have renewed strength to rise above your
weaknesses and work towards you big life goals. The best part about this simple
method is that you can choose to live it anytime and start from wherever you
are in this relentless freefall of life to regain your power and direct the
winds in your parachute to take you anywhere you want to go. It is that
unstoppable determination and effort born of this newly claimed self
assuredness and confidence which will take you everywhere your journey leads.
“Character cannot
be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering
can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success
achieved.”
-Helen
Keller
What Helen was
saying here is that through our falls in this life we see the true goals we
strive for and find the ambition and power to reach out and grab a hold of
those stars which sparkle and scintillate before our very eyes. Don’t be afraid
to find your stars!
Summary and Reflection
How can you fall away from yourself?
·
By working to let go of your ego- our
subconscious programming
·
Finding your truth so we can start living it
o Your
beliefs
o Your
desires and goals
o Self
esteem/personal strength
Steps to releasing your ego:
·
Identifying it
·
Accepting it
·
Strengths and weaknesses/pro’s and con’s
·
Practices to let go with
o Discipline-
21 days to form a new habit
o Determination-
How much do you want it?
o Method-
“ego jar,” constantly updating your moral inventory
Living your truth:
·
Finding and knowing your worth
·
Remaining steadfast- being sure enough to stick
by yourself
·
Be relentless, with a no surrender attitude in
your effort
Practice on these things and see where it goes. Remember, you are good
enough and you are worth it. Never forget,
“You are your own best friend.”
–Richard Lauria
Visualization
Take a deep, full
breath in, all the way down to the bottom of your lungs. Notice your breath,
now take another deep full breath, feel your lungs stretch out with the quiet
path of your breath. Each breath that you take now is releasing more and more
of your tension and tightness, relaxation is flowing in with the in-breath. Tension
is released with the out-breath. Picture a shimmering light come in to the top
of your head and with each breath it will slowly go down your body relaxing you
as it moves into your neck and chest, down your arms, going down further now
with the out-breath into your hips and legs going into your calves and out your
feet. Now imagine that you are surrounded by an enormous wall on all sides.
This is your wall from your relationships, your work, your best life. Now as you
begin to feel the sense of hopelessness from being stuck, you realize that you
have a pick axe in your hand. Suddenly you begin to start hacking at the wall
and with each stroke of the pick you see an egoic moment trapping you behind
your mask from the world. You start to chop away at the wall and larger chunks
of it now fall away. As it does you see the parts of yourself you have been
suppressing feel that rush of release and freedom of openness. As the final pieces
of the wall disintegrate with your strikes you begin to feel yourself in your
personal power with the drive and determination to achieve any goal you can
imagine. You know that you are worth it, and that you can do anything you set
your mind to. Now see yourself reborn and living your perfect life. Envision
yourself living your dream, your truest and clearest self. You are surrounded
now with white light emanating from you with yellow shining flecks sparkling
around you. This is your highest self. When you are ready be back here in the
room, at peace, knowing that you are on your way to wholeness...
Lyght for your path...
Just be.
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